haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
