a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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