I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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