plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
