Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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