Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
