I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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