i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
don't judge my taste in strippers
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
