i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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