I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
