Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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