i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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