I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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