I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
