Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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