Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
