mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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