Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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