I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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