I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
