If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
