I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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