all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
