Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
