There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
