so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
