You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
