I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
