Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
