two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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