My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
