its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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