so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
