Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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