We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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