It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My ass is underappreciated
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
