so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
