but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
