I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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