Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
