If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
