I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
