Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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