My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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