Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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