they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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