The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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