Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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