pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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