i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
