At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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