i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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