i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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