i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
